distrust

I have this sense of distrust in everything and also just tired from the back and forth of being pulled into different realities I'm not suicidal. I'm reflecting on how close I was this time, often tho. Wondering if my questioning u on what messages certain patterns tell me, and what are the perceived messages and what are the 'just what is' messages. Just realizing how strongly there is the part in me that just doesn't want to live is an apathetic voice, not sad or worried, just not into it My noticing patterns about my mom and seeing where they resonate from , from within a pattern I hold - am I supposed to deconstruct it and come to the conclusion that me taking on said personal pattern, shouldn't have to be done within self, and then somehow be able to get rid of said pattern? Or should I be coming to u with that always, until I can trust myself to know what to do? Realizing a lot that of my sense of attachment to life is only; a sense that I need to leave a mark, or express what I can, or express something great; and my guilt to hurting those I'd leave behind. I find the first one curious, why is it that I need to do that? I don't want to need to do that, that seems like unhelpful pressure, except that it does tell me what matters to me (self expression) I felt like I inherited that need from my mom, she has it. Am I copying her in reflecting that in myself, or is it just something that is.